Scientific Discoveries!

• 92 percent of 2-year-olds have an online presence. 8 percent don't get laid at all.

• Poor people fatally crash into things more frequently than the rich.

• African Americans and Whites have positive gut feelings about themselves. No word on Asians.

• A single nucleotide polymorphism can turn you into a cokehead.

• Expecting mothers can healthfully participate in light drinking. Expecting fathers can drink a hell of a lot more.

Banana Joke

Alcohol Makes Old People Clumsy, Drunk

Consuming a single drink increases the risk that a 60-year-old treadmill walker stumbles over an obstacle thrown in his or her way, according to a study published last Thursday by a group of Dutch researchers.

The results throw into question the wisdom of your drunkle's workout habits and cast doubt on the safety of the .08 percent legal blood alcohol concentration (BAC) for automobile drivers in all US states.

According to online BAC calculators, a 160-pound human can drink 4 beers in an hour before his or her BAC eclipses .08 percent.

A 200-pound senior citizen playing 'Edward Forty-Hands' (drinking Old English sold in eastern US states, malt liquor sold in western states is more alcoholic) would finish the game in an hour with a BAC of .13 percent, scraped knees, soaked Depends and the dumb grin of a child who has hit a single in tee ball.

Consider this a reminder to start a business bringing drinking games to geriatric homes. Also, to do your part to keep old drunks off treadmills and off roads, too.

Unintentional Cockroach Trap

fill a 4-inch glass tumbler with 1.5 inches of strong black coffee.

put in corner of your room.

wait 48-hours.

retrieve and discard contents.

Face Body Sex

University of Texas psych graduate students Jaime Confer and Carin Perilloux are the architects of a brilliantly simple scientific experiment.

They put 375 college guys in front of screens showing a concealed potential short-term or long-term sex buddy and asked whether participants wanted to check out her body or face.

When quick bootycall's were presented, 51 percent of the guys chose to see her body. For potential long-term mates, 75 percent chose her face.

The results hint at all sorts of things that we already knew, such as the established science that in our faces and bodies can be seen dead relatives - killed by the pox, killed by babies too fat to fit through a vagina, killed by being too fat to outrun an enraged giant sloth, etc.

Beyond that, this study suggests that we should all pay attention to Jaime Confer.

Science

The word above is a big word. For a while it was the heading of several rule books written by old men and haggard women who wore tunics and smelled like feces.

Today's book, which is a trillion pages long and filled with more than 1 million errors, was written by heathens in labcoats.

On this blog, you'll find the stolen results of some of the most recent scientific studies, skewed and maybe misinterpreted to apply to your life. Maybe just mine.